What Ever Happened to Mary Jane?

It's incredible how much my blog time has gone down since school started. Sorry to all you readers. I know you check my blog every five minutes and stay up all night waiting for an update. Because that's how fabulous I am.

Anyway, let's talk about fashion. The delightful Mary Janes that everybody adored arrived at my local Payless, in black and white. I was ecstatic when I saw them. However, I tried them on and didn't like the way they looked. There was just something off about them. I tried both colors. I also chose not to get them because I'm banning all heels higher than a kitten heel for going to school. That's because high heels clash with heavy textbooks and steep, crowded staircases. I'm saving my high heels, which is only two pairs of wedges (including the Vogue ones) and a pair of brown heeled Mary Janes, for the weekend. I love Mary Janes. They are so great. I have three or four pairs of them. They're so innocent. Even the name is. I have three pairs of kitten heels as well. They are the second love of my life. I love shoes, in case you couldn't tell. In my opinion, pants are the meanest article of clothing, and shoes are the nicest. Amen.

Fries=Future

The Prison is the same as always. A wasp invaded my Chem class, the lunch room is full of dangerous food droppings that could cause fatal slips. You know, the usual. But I passed by a poster the other day that I found fascinating. The first time I passed it, I didn't fully understand it. On the left side of the poster, there was a photo of a greasy vat of fries. Above it said, "Fries." Then, on the right, there was a photo of a graduation cap. Above it said, "Future." First I was a bit offended, because I thought they were trying to say that if you eat fries you won't be successful. As a fry-lover, I took it personally. But that didn't make sense. Then, later in the day, I passed it again, and realized it was a poster against dropping out of school. So by dropping out of school you're choosing fries instead of a future. Now, I'm all for staying in school. But not all fry-makers are drop-outs. And where would we be without fry-makers? I hate to imagine it! Would people rave about McDonald's fries? And what would I eat?! So, I don't think fry-makers get enough credit. We all love fries, but do we ever stop to think about how they got there?

In other news, I finally saw Nacho Libre, which almost made me cry, and before the movie began my mom told me about this woman working in a chocolate factory who discovered a blob of hardened chocolate in the shape of the Virgin Mary. A few things ran through my mind:

1. What if somebody had eaten it? Just walked by after missing lunch, grabbed it, and stuffed their face?
2. Chocolate is holy! I've been convinced for years and now I have proof!
3. The chocolate, to me, just looks like a blob. But a very yummy blob.

I just didn't see the resemblence. Sure, the shape kinda looked like it, but I did'nt see enough detail. Then I saw a photo from farther away and it looked more like it. You be the judge. Go here to read the story and see the picture. Or look up "chocolate virgin mary" on Google, and you'll get tons of results.

Prison Tales

I've been put back into The Prison, where you never know what could happen. Where wearing an adorable shirt dress will inevitably lead to wrinkling and spilled drinks. Where wearing a black pencil skirt will inevitably lead to walking out the door and noticing you have strange lint-like fibers stuck to your bottom half. Could it be cat hair? Dust? Particles of my broken fashion heart, that splits in two when asked to endure textbooks and dirty lunchroom chairs and crowded hallways? Probably all three. The Prison is where the sound of 100 pairs of flip-flops changing classes is enough to make you pull out your hair at the roots. Yes, this place is truly a nightmare. But you can get a lot of blog material out of it.

Some moments worthy of recording:

1. Doing homework in the gym while watching the athletes lunge across the basketball court like they're in the Ministry of Silly Walks. I assure you, John Cleese would be very proud.
2. Receiving compliments on my linty skirt, even though it was linty.
3. Sharing with my writing class the fact that onions make me tear up, when asked what makes me cry.
4. Being shown by my teacher a confiscated hat with a "promiscuous" logo.
5. Laughing at a laboratory safety video from the 90s, in which various dangerous situations are enacted with absolutely no talent whatsoever, as well as really bad clothes.

So those are a few Prison tales, some scars I can show my grandchildren.

Because a Book is the Best Fashion Accessory

Having finished my summer reading and seeking some freedom from obligation before school begins, I've been interested in reading good books that I choose. I read about a new book in Vogue and Entertainment Weekly that sounds really good. It's called Special Topics in Calamity Physics by Marisha Pessl. I picked it up at the book store, but it was hardcover, and therefore ridiculously expensive, so I put it back. But it's about a teenage girl and her father who are constantly traveling, and they end up living in this fictional town where the girl begins to hang out with a weird click involved with an eccentric film studies teacher. There's murder, and each chapter is the title of a famous book. There's also supposed to be a lot of pop culture references and drawings. It's supposed to be really good, and it's Pessl's first novel!

The library is free, unless you return your books late, which I never do, being the angel that I am. So I went there and checked out The Portable Dorothy Parker, and I've been reading the poems. Most of them are incredibly funny. I especially liked this one:

"Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
A medley of extemporanea;
And love is a thing that can never go wrong;
And I am Marie of Roumania."

She also said, "Men seldom make passes / At girls who wear glasses." And I was wondering, is that true? Not that I'm going to throw away my glasses or anything; Dorothy would probably not be proud of that.

Project Drama

I, like many fashion lovers, watch Project Runway. And let me tell you, it's craaazy. Everyone is fighting and insulting each other and taking sides. All I can think while watching is "I thought this show was about fashion. Fashion isn't supposed to be dramatic and violent. It's supposed to be fun and frivolous." If I was on that show, I would not get involved in the drama, because I would want to finish my design. If somebody came up to me and started calling me names, I would flip my fabric in their face and silently continue my sewing.

Once all the conflict has subsided, the designers must shut up and pull their designs together on time. Then we get to see the models walk down the runway wearing the outfits, as the designer narrates about what they thought about the design. It's like Sex and the City, only instead of Carrie Bradshaw sharing her thoughts, it's a bunch of fashion designers.

*SPOILER ALERT* If you haven't seen the last episode of Project Runway and do not want anything revealed, do not read on.


On the last episode of the show, the models chose the designers, as a twist. There was really no consideration of talent involved in deciding which models were eliminated, because Heidi Klum drew their names out of a hat, and the last two called were out. Two models had to go, because, in addition to Bonnie being eliminated last week, Keith was kicked off for breaking the rules. It's a shame, because I thought he was really talented, but he should have followed the rules. Anyway, after it was decided which models went and who would work with whom, the challenge was announced and it involved the models again. I think they're just trying to get more straight men to watch, because they're showing the pretty models a lot more than they used to. The models were put in front of a table full of photos of famous fashion icons, including Audrey Hepburn and Katharine Hepburn, which I was very excited about, and people like Twiggy and Madonna. The models had to run and fight to grab the icon they wanted, and then their designer would design a modern outfit that was reminiscent of the icon. Watching the models run to get the photos was like watching a mob of crazed parents rushing into Wal-Mart at Christmas time to buy a Ferby. Most of the designers got icons that matched their style. Laura, my favorite designer, got Katharine Hepburn, which I thought was perfect for her. Jeffrey got Madonna, which was perfect for him, and Angela got Audrey Hepburn, which I was not so excited about, until I saw her finished product, which of course included rosettes. Michael, another one of my favorites, got Pam Greer, which he was really excited about.

It was a lot of fun watching the finished outfits walk down the runway. The models' hair and makeup was perfect for the icon. Michael ended up winning, for his incredible magenta top and hot pants, which were incredibly well made. And who was out? It was poor Bradley, the mellow one with the sarcastic comments and the funny sketches. His icon was Cher, and I felt so bad for him because he didn't know much about her style. He made a metallic midrif top that kind of looked like a space blanket, and a pair of white pants with fringe. When I found out he had to go, I was so sad, because he was the one with the best personality. He was so mellow even when he had to go, but he still looked sad, and I just wanted to hug him. On The Soup last week, they made fun of him, pretending he made Bonnie a skin suit. Poor Bradley. Maybe it was his beard, after all.


*SPOILERS OVER*

Now, where the hell is my chiffon?!

These are a Few of My Favorite Things

Three of my favorite things are shoes, chocolate, and ice cream. So I thought I would post today about that, since there really is nothing else to write about.

Anyway, I went to Zappos.com, because they have tons of shoes, and I fell in love with these two pairs of shoes:

I love the first one because I adore black and white, and the flower just makes it so much cuter. I can just see Marilyn Monroe slipping these on before a night on the town. And they come in four colors! Orange, Purple, Brown, and Black. The downside? They're $118.95. The second pair looks really comfortable because it's flat, but it also looks very fashionable and old-fashioned. I can see Kate Winslet wearing them in Titanic. And they're on sale for 68% off. They used to be $123.95, but through Friday they're $39.95! They come in black, green, camel, and lilac. But I love the green the most. The shoe section of my favorite places is filling up!

The next thing I want to talk about is chocolate. Who doesn't love a great bar of Hershey's milk chocolate? Well, actually, I know people who don't like any chocolate, which I find hard to understand, but we all have different tastes. I happen to love chocolate, and I really want to try the Choxie chocolate from Target. They're just another reason to love chocolate. They come in a bunch of great flavors, like lime and coconut. Chocolate's great by itself, but paired with other yummy flavors, it's even better!

Something else that has chocolate in it often is ice cream. And, in my opinion, the best ice cream brand in the world is Ben and Jerry's. And I think the best ice cream flavor in the world is Chubby Hubby. I love it so much I've memorized the description: Fudge-covered, peanut butter-filled pretzels in vanilla malt ice cream with fudge and peanut butter. It's like those Take 5 bars, only ice cream. It's salty and sweet. And peanut butter and chocolate is the greatest flavor combo ever, in my opinion.

These are a few of my favorite things.

Fashion Makes the World Look Good

I received the new Teen Vogue, and it is the biggest issue ever! Not only that, but there was an extra little magazine with it! Today is going to be fashion paradise for me. Flipping through, I saw the usual Marc by Marc Jacobs ads and wanted to puke. Why do the models always look homeless and sad? Aren't they supposed to look like they actually enjoy wearing the clothes. If the models look that depressed and baggy in the clothes, is there any hope for the rest of us?

And does Kate Moss have clones going around posing for her, because it's incredible how she's getting so much work. In the latest issue of Vogue, she must be in about five different ads. And I saw her in a couple of TV commercials. She's the Christopher Walken of fashion. What would be really amazing is if she does a Marc by Marc Jacobs ad. I would believe pigs could fly if that happened. My least favorite ads with the model I'm tired of seeing everywhere. What are the odds of that happening? Actually, with me, the odds are probably much higher.

I do love looking through the magazine and seeing things I own (obviously not the exact item, but cheaper versions, unless you include my shoes, featured in a Vogue ad. I'm going to say that to everyone I meet now. "Hello. I'm Jill. My shoes were in Vogue."). Of course, then I have a sudden urge to buy whatever I don't own, but I'll survive. Who knew reading a fashion mag could be so stressful?

I do love the spread with all black, white and gray. It's gorgeous. So chic. And some of the makeup that they smear to photograph looks so yummy I almost want to lick the page. But I won't, because then I'll get a paper cut.

Anyway, if you don't subcribe to Teen Vogue, you should really pick up a copy. It's worth it, because it packed with cute clothes and good ideas. And Kate Moss. And depressing Marc by Marc Jacobs ads.

Spend the Day with Audrey. Or Kate. Or Cary...

I always get very excited about TCM's Summer Under the Stars. It takes place on the channel during August. Every day this month they will be showing the movies of one particular actor or actress. What days am I most looking forward to? The 11th (Katharine Hepburn), the 19th (Audrey Hepburn), and the 26th (Cary Grant). These are the days that I'll be spending mostly on the couch. The great thing about TCM is that on their amazing web site they let you sign up to be reminded via e-mail a week before and a day before certain movies are being shown, so that if there's a movie you don't want to miss, you won't forget when it's on. I'm having myself reminded when a few unseen Audrey flicks are on, as well as Bringing Up Baby, one of my favorite films that I don't own because the DVD never goes on sale.

For more information on Summer Under the Stars, and for a snazzy schedule featuring photos of all the featured actors, go to the TCM website.

Dissection of a Stressful Shopping Experience

It's hard to believe that shopping can actually be stressful, but when roaming a shopping mall filled with distractions and interruptions, one can become rather frustrated, almost (or not) to the point of yelling without realizing the pitch of one's own voice. The following are some undesirable aspects of the shopping experience and how to deal with them.

1. Hyper, Screaming Children. If you ever walk through a department store in the middle of the afternoon, you begin to wonder whether people are just having more kids in general, or if they simply gravitate towards your unsuspecting legs. There's nothing more aggravating than searching for your size amid a rack of jeans and simultaneously being bumped by a strange child elatedly running through the store. And what's even worse is when you carry said jeans to the dressing room, and on your way you nearly trip over the same child as it stands blocking your path and aimlessly wandering with a wide-eyed expression. And to top it all off, the same child screams behind you while you wait on line to buy the jeans. It makes you question if you want the jeans enough to torture yourself like that. The solution: Ignore it. Or leave the store. But really, is it so annoying that you'll deprive yourself of a great new piece of clothing?
2. Loud, Booming Music. You walk into one of those hip, expensive stores where the employees all where headsets, the manikins have no heads, the shelves are made of frosted glass, and the music is so loud you can't even hear the clothes calling you like they usually do. One can become very stressed when exposed to a loud shopping experience. The solution: Rush through the store, looking quickly at the merchandise, and then bolt for the door. It's probably all too expensive anyway.
3. Crowds of Slow People. There's nothing worse than trying to quickly make your way to the next store as the person walking in front of you slugs along at a snail's pace. And when you try to pass them, they move towards your nearest space. The solution: Run past them, even if it means you have to bump them gently out of they way. Those clothes are waiting for you.
4. Aching Feet. Shopping is brutal, and anything involving walking miles through a shopping mall and carrying heavy bags of clothing while trying to balance in your new sky-high peep-toe wedges and keep your purse on your shoulder can cause you pain, especially in your feet. The solution: Take a breather and buy yourself a pretzel, or a nice Orange Julius. Nothing gets the shopping juices buzzing like a nice taste of mall.
5. Small Store, Big Racks. So you see a cute top in the window of a store, and you pop in to check out the price tag. The only problem? The top is at the back of the store, and the route to get there is like a maze through a wild jungle of fashion. Your purse strap hooks itself onto a hanger, you accidentally knock a pair of pants of a shelf, and when you bend to pick it up, you knock over something else. When you finally get to the top, you see that it's ridiculously expensive, and the route back to the door is the same jungle. The solution: Fight those clothes! Use your oversized purse and shopping bags as swords and chop those racks out of your path! You're a girl on a mission!

And the number one rule of shopping? Have fun, and bask in the therapy of fashion.

Walk a Mile in Isaac's Shoes

*UPDATE* Either I read the price incorrectly or they were marked down, but either way the Mary Janes are in fact $17.99, which I know most of you readers will be very happy to read, based on your comments. Even more reason to buy them. You can do so here. *UPDATE*

Shoes make a lot of people happy, so I thought I'd showcase some very happy shoes.

First are some adorable Mary Jane pumps from Payless. They'd look adorable with a short dress and dark tights. Plus, they're cheap, at $19.99.




Next are a bunch of Isaac Mizrahi shoes that I came across. They are gorgeous, but not exactly Payless-cheap. But they're fun to drool over.

Here are some great simple pumps that would really jazz up a mod dress. And they have denim!
Next are gorgeous heels with a to-die-for pattern. When I saw them I gasped. I love how the pattern extends to the heel.
These are similar to the previous pair, but they're a little higher. Again, I love the patterned heel.
Check out these adorable pumps with the cute bow on the front. They'd dress up a pair of jeans, and they come in a rainbow of colors.
Isaac Mizrahi makes great shoes, and the great part is that he sells some at Target! All the above Isaac Mizrahi shoes are from amazon.com.

Don't shoes make everything great?

Tip Your Bowler Hat

Happy August! Okay, now that we've gotten that over with, let's talk about something fun.

I love Charlie Chaplin movies. He was a genius in my eyes. After I saw City Lights and cried, I knew that his films were more than funny slapstick comedies. They have depth and meaning and they make you wanna snuggle up with a teddy bear and a cup of hot chocolate and think about stuff. Plus the movies are funny. I love when The Little Tramp tries to distract someone by pointing to something on their shirt, and then hitting them in the nose when they look down. And who doesn't love the bowler hat, mustache, big shoes, baggy pants, cane, and dark eyes? I was Chaplin last Halloween. When one of my teachers found out the next day, they never looked at me the same way. It was probably because they thought it was incredible that:

1. I knew who Charlie Chaplin was.
2. I was more creative and daring with my costume than the hundreds of Screams walking the street that night.

There are pictures of my costume on my web page; the link is on my profile. And if you are thinking of watching a Chaplin film, but you don't know which one, I suggest City Lights. Once you've watched it you'll be hooked. And the funny part about watching a silent film (and one in a different language with no subtitles) is that you find yourself turning up the volume and then laughing at yourself.